lonely
So i’m feeling kinda lonely. it’s been 2 weeks since be off it and feeling disjointed from my friends. starting to feel that scary feeling again. like i’m going down. spiralling down into that black hole of nothingness. i’ve been there too many times, everytime i come out of it- i start partying hard again, because i’m happy and i want to be as high as possible and be with my friends and let them all see me happy.
i’m feeling the need to make that call. just want to forget. how is it that it never goes away? when your sexually abused as a child, it just keeps coming back. the flashbacks start again. the feelings start again.
i have been in and out of therapy for nearly half of my life and i get the feeling i’m gonna be in and out of it for the rest of my life. it’s so hard to talk to anyone about it. its embarrassing, its shameful and it makes me feel so dirty.
just want to get wasted so i can forget about it. go away thoughts. go away pain. i wish this never happened to me. but then i’m glad it did as i feel like ‘m in control of it. i think. i just want to share this with the whole world. make it heard. make it be known jst how hard it is. 18 yrs of silence. 4 different ppl. 2 famliy members. you know. that’s a lot of a girl to take on. just imagine the torment that plays over and over in my mind. the blame game. the analysation.
so glad i finally plucked up the courage to write.
thank you for reading.